Once again, I feel like I am in a major winter funk. This happens every winter, and since I am feeling too queasy to go to bed right now (I finally gave in and had Ledo pizza and too much dessert tonight), I am just here writing.
I have been sailing along, adrift in a sea of habit recently. I am just glad that, for the most part, my habits are not as unhealthy as they used to be. I am still walking daily (as you know), and once again I am composing fiction in my head in which I am in a better life than I have. But all it will ever be is fiction. And the stories I make up as I walk are so stupid that there is next to no chance of my ever writing them down, lest they get discovered and I wind up the laughing stock of the world.
I am still wondering if I will ever have the courage to go out and try to meet people. I just cannot force myself to try to meet people, for fear that they will all hate me, just like Kyle used to say back when we were in high school. It would be different if I actually had looks, but I don't. And no looks with no personality equals no new friends. So why bother going out just to turn into wallpaper?
I am wondering when I will see Josie again. I know that it has only been a month since Christmas, but I miss her. But Kyle only calls me if (a) someone is sick, (b) someone died, or (c) he wants something from me. He never just calls to say hello or to invite me to see Josie. He just got a dog, and I have heard about this dog from everyone except Kyle. But I guess I am very easily forgotten. I can't say that I blame him. He and I both had the same upbringing; I dealt with it by getting involved with our family in Pennsylvania, and he handled it by going and finding himself a new family. I have said it before: he doesn't need us anymore.
This time of the year also brings me several anxieties: my car insurance comes due, I have to get my taxes done, my car needs the emissions test done next month, and I have to have the inspection in March. So far, the insurance is done, and I had my taxes done this afternoon. So at least those two things are accomplished. We'll see how the rest of it goes as the next two months pass.
Tomorrow I am hoping to get back on the Subway trail. Yesterday wasn't too bad, eating-wise (about 1600 calories or so, with an hour's walk before work), and today was definitely a long-overdue "cheat day", and now I have to get back to what is working. I will be working day shifts for the next four days, so I can very easily get myself back on track.
Julie is hounding me to apply for work at the company where she used to work, and was extremely pushy about it last night. She even sent me a copy of her resume for me to pattern mine after, but I emailed her back saying that I couldn't open the attachment (true), and that I was having second thoughts (sort of true; I didn't even have first thoughts). I said that I would get back to her about it (hopefully I can avoid her until she forgets about it). I just want to keep my work life separate from my Julie life, so when I get out of here, I can expunge Julie completely from my life forever.
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