Spazzing About Calories AGAIN!

I really need to knock it off when it comes to my obsessive calorie counting.

Today had all the trappings of a day that I could have fallen off the wagon. Like I said yesterday, it is the anniversary of my mother's death. It was also a cold, rainy, raw day. But the fact is that I ingested 1670 calories, walked, and did my crunches before I showered, so I really need to stop obsessing.

I feel bloated because there was a lot of food involved in that 1670 calories: my Morning Civility at Burger King (which involves a Crossan'wich at 290 calories), a small popcorn at Target (which I have assumed to be 200 calories), a 100-calorie pretzel snack, a foot-long chicken sub from Subway (710 calories including cheese and mustard), a bag of light potato chips (75 calories), half a package of sugar-free pudding (195 calories; I split it with Julie and garnished it with half a graham cracker), and a 100-calorie pack of cookies. A moderately-active adult male should ingest about 2200 calories a day. So this should make up for my perceived overindulgence yesterday (which probably wasn't that bad).

I am driving everyone up the wall with this type of thought process. But they have to understand that it has taken me a long time to lose 137 pounds, and I am still a compulsive overeater, and it is a challenge I face every single day of my life. It was all I could do today to stop at only one Crossan'wich, and not have two or three. I could have eaten a foot-long meatball sub instead of roasted chicken. I could have gone to Five Guys and eaten a burger and fries. All of these thoughts entered my mind.

Also, there is the "what the hell, it's the holidays" mentality that I am battling as well. I had to deal with it last year, and it was easier to deal with for some reason. I guess since I was still losing weight and not in maintenance mode, it was easier. But I live in fear of seeing that number on the scale climb. And now that I am shopping at stores I really like (mostly Abercrombie & Fitch and Banana Republic), I don't want that to stop.

I did slightly more than obsess about my eating today. After my Morning Civility (I think I should define that as having a drink and/or breakfast and reading the paper; it is a nice civilized way to start the day), I did my usual walking at Dulles Town Center; the only problem is that I inadvertently crashed a kids' breakfast featuring Mr. Knick Knack (a children's musician who performs at malls), and instead of just seeing Santa enter, the kids (and the photographer) got a sight of me walking with my barbells. This is the third time I have been caught up while trying to walk. On November 16th, I got caught in the mob at Tysons awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus. Then on Black Friday I walked past a local television camera. I hope that it wasn't a live broadcast.

Once the walking was done, I went to Target for that popcorn, and then got some bows and gift bags for my gifts. I am almost done with my shopping; I just have to get something for my friends Phil and Keith for their party in two weeks. I am at a loss for what to get them. I then went to TJ Maxx to get a gift card for my Secret Santa recipient at work.

About that time, it was about noon, and I turned on the XM Radio to listen to "American Top 40" from the 1980's. I never realized how much music sucked in December of 1980. What makes it worse it that I listened to nearly the entire show while I putzed around the Batcave and finished my Christmas cards.

At about 3:30, I went to Tysons, where Julie and I were supposed to see "Enchanted" once she was done visiting her mother. I had my dinner there, and killed time strolling around the mall. I was waiting for her at the movie theatre when the power died in the theatre lobby. Although the lights came back on and we could have gone to the movie, I told her that I didn't know if they were reopening. So we put it off for a later date.

The fact is that I didn't want to go with her anyway. I have been living with her for too long, and I want to find another place to live. And that is a goal for me for 2008. She is nothing but a festering cesspool of negativity in my life, and while I was first trying to lose weight, she did everything she could to get me to slip up. It obviously didn't work. What she doesn't know is that once I move out of this house, she is gone from my life for good.

But I went to the store after I left the mall, and picked up some sugar-free pudding (which I can't discern from the sugared variety), and offered to split it with Julie. I don't know why I ate the Chips Ahoy thin crisps, but I scarcely believe that it will cause me to gain all my weight back.

I am off again tomorrow, and then it is five shifts until my next day off. It is so much easier to control the calories when I am working, but I also have to remember that even my "cheat days" are better than my regular days used to be when I weighed 300 pounds. I also have to remember that my goal was 165 pounds, and I was at 162.5 on Saturday.

So now I am going to sign off. "Family Guy" is on at nine, and I am going to watch.