What A Wasted Evening.

It is one in the morning, and I am writing this as I wait for the bathroom to get less steamy so I can go to bed. I have to be up at seven tomorrow morning so I can walk and take my car into the dealership for servicing. I don't know when (or even if) Ronnie and Justin will be joining me for lunch tomorrow. I could conceivably sleep a little later, walk after my car appointment, and go from there.

But on to tonight. I happened to arrive in the parking lot at the exact same time that Ronnie and Justin arrived, so we walked into Freddie's together. We ordered dinner, and I found myself cold-shouldered by two of the folks from my bowling league. I know that they aren't exactly my best friends, but returning a "hello" is just human decency. I hope to heaven that I am not bowling against either of their teams tomorrow night.

The drag show once again starts at nine, so we just sat there until it began. I started to zone out before all this, and continued to zone out as the drag show began. I thought about bolting more than once, but somehow managed to stay there through the entire affair. It is bad enough that I am now a third wheel to another couple. Justin wasn't too thrilled with me once I mentioned that back in September he emailed me a photo of himself giving Ronnie a blowjob. Apparently Justin is holding out on Ronnie like he did to me. I wonder what else is going on with that. Not my fucking problem.

They spent most of the evening knocking back alcohol, running up an impressive $140 tab. I only know about this because I insisted on separate checks, and both of them were handed to me in one of those leatherette folder thingies that restaurants use.

When the drag show was over, we hung out; I was getting tired, but Ronnie started talking about going somewhere else. I told them that I wasn't really up for it, and Ronnie started in with how I need to live a little. I explained that I had to take my car in the next morning, and he countered with how a person tends to live when one is not planning for the next thing.

That was when he started in with what I am sure was a well-intentioned pep talk but was the kind of thing that makes me want to reach for the first razor blade I can find. He started in with how I am constantly putting myself down. I had made a joke about how I soap up the faucets before I shower to avoid seeing a reflection of my naked body. He thought I was serious. He then started in with the cliches that are not new to me: fake it until I make it, the next time I go into a club, fling open both doors and enter as if I own it, no one will love you unless you love yourself, there is someone out there for you who wants you just the way you are. That sort of thing.

To which I reply: Ronnie, when you sober up and rejoin us here in Realityland, let me know. This is someone who barely knows me; he doesn't deal with having nothing but negative forces around him, as I do. He doesn't have family members who stop at nothing to tell him how much of a loser and a disappointment he is. I'm realistic enough to know that he is full of it; one only needs to talk to me for two minutes to realize that I am more or less without a lot of worth, and listening to that sort of crap only puts a finer point on it.

Justin, of course, said absolutely nothing. He was too busy sinking into the background while Ronnie continued his performance. It was midnight when we went back to the parking lot. They will text me if they are up for lunch. With the amount that they drank, I'm hoping they don't get stopped by the police, especially since Justin lost his wallet and doesn't have his license. Again, not my fucking problem.

Tonight has me really questioning the future of Freddie's. A year ago, you had to have a reservation in order to have a table during the drag show. Tonight saw a very sparse crowd. Plus, they have discontinued karaoke on any night that there was an activity (like the drag show, trivia night, and bingo). One of the drag queens told me that it was too expensive to have two activities on one night. They are even talking about not bothering to open on Monday nights, since they can't seem to find an activity that draws a crowd. Also, for bingo and trivia, they now require a $10 minimum tab to play. And finally, they replaced their website with a MySpace page that never gets updated. So I can't help but wonder if they are having financial difficulties.

But let's wrap this up so I can go to sleep.

Eric Out.